Do you remember the conversation we had about how we would both cope after the other died? I said that you'd be married again within six months. I said that I'd sleep around too much but never fall in love again because marriage is too hard. Too much work. Too much risk.
Well, I did exactly that. I slept around a lot for awhile. It was fun for a few months but largely unfulfilling. I reconnected with a few people that I hadn't seen in a decade or more. Then I fell in love. It happened last October. It was a whirlwind of emotions that knocked me out of being numb and made me crave and desire the realness of love in my life. Things with this man and I didn't work out, but the entire experience changed me for the better. I suppose everyone is entitled to a rebound relationship and if that's what H was? I couldn't have asked for a better one. He woke me up and then moved out of the way, essentially. It took me months to get over it, but I think, finally, I'm past it.
I graduated! I'm staying with family in Charleston... It was so kind of them to take me in. I wandered across the street to this great little bar and I did a stupid thing.
I was sitting at the bar having a hard cider and chatting with the bartender when this man walked in. Something about him caught my eye. If I'm looking for a hook up for the night, I usually want blonde, blue eyed and younger, but this man immediately drew my attention.
We chatted all night and he insisted on giving me a ride home, despite the fact that I can practically see my front door from the bar's front door.
So he did eventually take me home. When he dropped me off I went to jump out of his jeep and he grabbed my arm and stopped me. He looked at me and said "do you even remember my name?". I told him I did. Then he gave me his phone number. I was confused. I have become well versed in the drunken one night stand... No one exchanges phone numbers. Hell, most don't exchange names, at least not real ones. He is intriguing.
We've been hanging out a bit... Drinking together, going to dinner, whatever... I cooked him dinner. We have interesting conversations. I love listening to his stories.
We were supposed to go see a movie. He texted me and said " will you go on a road trip with me tonight instead?". And I did.
He drove me to all of these beautiful places, telling me stories about when he visited them. I told him I was dying to see a wild bear and we searched for one a bit. He kept telling me all about him and asking questions about me.
The next morning he took me home. I had girls night plans Saturday night, but he texted me silly jokes all night and I paid way more attention to him than my friends. Then? Radio silence until Tuesday night.
Then I had my bad work day crap on Tuesday and decided that tequila was the solution. When I walked to the bar to get some, he was there, playing video slots. I did a few shots and spilled some of my sad story. I talked to the guy for a few then played a few games of pool with the bartender. I acted a like a fool. He took me home and I acted like even more of a fool.
The next morning, in-between vomiting patron and wanting to die, I sent him a text message that said "thanks for being a gentleman.". He said " you were hammered.". I said "Yup. Most days I can keep my shit together but my demons weren't playing nice yesterday". Then I didn't hear from him again until Friday night, when he said " miserable week! Too hot and humid!". I responded and haven't heard anything since. This is a man who had exchanged hundreds of texts with me in a month. He's totally ignored any I've sent since Tuesday last week, including a request to see him...
And now I'm sitting here confused... He was supposed to be a challenge at the bar... A one night stand... And he pursued me. He doesn't want a relationship but he takes me on a little trip and shared all this heavy personal stuff... I'm just confused. I'm not in love with him but I'm intrigued and curious and a little hurt that he's seemingly just dropped off the grid...
I can't help but think it was my bad day... And the resulting need for patron... That scared him off. I acted like an idiot. I'm so embarrassed and frustrated. I'd give anything for the chance to explain.
Travis, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And I don't know how to integrate you into it. You were a huge part of my past and I don't know how to keep you from affecting my future. I really wish you'd quit haunting me and let me move forward.
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